photo by: dodo anji

I think precocious is the word that would best describe me as a child. I have always been an old soul and never understood why adults disregarded my opinions on matters. I think that is why I get along so well with kids now. I actually listen to their ideas and opinions.

1. I once planned to run away with my middle sister. We had $2.85 between the two of us. The plan was canceled because we couldn’t agree on how many pairs of shoes my sister could take with her.

2. I only got to see my cousin a few times a year. One year we decided we needed to celebrate Christmas in March…in the woods. We dragged his mother’s Christmas ornaments about a mile into the woods and decorated the perfect tree.

3. My kindergarten teacher wanted to test me for gifted classes. I put my hands on my hips and told her, “I don’t need to take your test to know that I am smart.” I sent her my college graduation announcement and an apology.

4. I got upset a lot as a child. Life had a way of not going my way and when things did not go my way, I would stomp my foot, put my hands on my hips and announce to the world, “I am so mad.” Then I would stomp off and find a door to slam.

5. I brought home every hurt animal and stray I found. Once I found a bird. I brought it home and the bird decided it wasn’t hurt after all. It started flying around the house. All I could say was, “It couldn’t fly. It was hopping on the ground.” For years after I suffered as my family presented me with frozen turkeys and chickens, while saying, “Beekers, it can’t fly. Save it!”

6. I called McDonald’s..Ronnie Donnie’s.

7. I started a Michael Jackson fan club in the 3rd grade.

8. I could read by the age of 4. I learned by using Read and Hear Little Golden books. I had a record holder with the Bee Gees on the front of it and a little record player that I carried around. The Little Red Hen was my favorite story.

9. I hate broccoli. My step-father insisted one evening that I was not getting up from the table until I ate broccoli. I ate the broccoli and then promptly threw up on him. In all fairness, I had just read one of his college psychology book and decided I needed to tell him what was wrong with him. He was just trying to reassert his authority.

10. I jumped over street grates because I was convinced monsters lived under them.

11. In the 2nd grade my teacher used a huge blackboard to write out the days work. She recorded everything for the day on huge index cards. You weren’t allowed to go the library or do fun things until you finished all her board work. Well I discovered that I could read the cards as she was writing. So I would hand my work in about 5 minutes after she finished the boards. She moved me to the back of the class when she realized why I was finishing so quickly.

12. I only wore dresses to church and on picture day at school. My mom had to pack pants for me to change into as soon as the pictures were done.

13. My grandmother would sneak and give me RC Cola and Little Debbie oatmeal cakes or Moon Pies behind my mother’s back. She would say, “We all need a ‘lil sugar in our day.” She also taught me how to sew and gave me my first romance novel. I love my grandma!

1. Over plucking your eyebrows. If you have Trichotillomania you are excused. The rest of you need to put down the tweezers. When you have to paint eyebrows on so that people can read your expression…you have gone too far.

2. Voting when you don’t have a clue about the issues or the candidates. I overheard a woman bragging about voting. She turned to her husband and said, “Who did you have me vote for again?” Oh if only stupid people could self implode when the stupidity reaches absurd levels.

3. Driving slow in the left lane.

4. Smokers who throw the butts of the cigarettes on the ground. I especially hate it when I see drivers flicking their cigarettes. Why can’t you put in your vehicle? You are destroying your body, please leave the environment alone.

5. Cutting in line…at a store, food court, amusement park, or while driving. The rest of us are not waiting in line for our health.

6. Animal cruelty…Think it’s funny? Let me punt you off a cliff.

7. Talking loudly on your cellphone in a public place. I don’t care that your husband was caught sleeping with your sister’s husband. Scratch that, this is better than reality television but you should at least offer popcorn to your viewers.

8. Not cleaning up your dog’s poop when you are walking around the neighborhood.

9. Creating erectile dysfunction ads. These things are popping up all over the place. I think it is a sin that they found a drug to give a man a stiffie but still don’t have a cure for breast cancer.

10. Leaving passengers sitting in a plane on the tarmac for more than one hour.

11. Getting in line to order food before you know what you want. Have you ever been behind the person that thinks the McDonald’s menu is the Rosetta Stone?

12. Pop up ads. Whoever created these suckers should be doomed to crawl through the nine levels of hell.

13. Thinking anyone wants to see your underwear. This goes out to all males that think sagging their pants till I see their crack is cute and to all the females that think I am going to be impressed with the dental floss running up their backside. Pull your pants up or buy ones that fit!

1. Adam Smith

2. Milton Friedman

3. Thurgood Marshall

4. Thomas Jefferson

5. Ronald Reagan

6. Eleanor Roosevelt

7. Edgar Allan Poe

8. William Shakespeare

9. Queen Elizabeth I

10. Susan B. Anthony

11. Nikola Tesla

12. Martin Luther King, Jr.

13. Lee Harvey Oswald