Back in the beginning of December,  I purchased a set of Christmas cards at a Barnes and Noble, that is not my local Barnes and Noble.  They were made of a lovely card stock and had a bird sitting on a branch on the outside and Season’s Greetings written on the inside.  Simple and lovely.  I got home and wrote out the first card.  Upon pulling out the envelopes, I find that all 21 envelopes in the box were sealed.  I called the store where I bought them and I was told to return them to my local store.  Unfortunately my local store never had the cards in stock and the other stores were sold out of the cards.  I picked out new cards, checked the envelopes and learned an important lesson:

Always check the cards and the envelopes before buying stationary at Barnes and Noble.

Well fast forward to a few days after Christmas and I walked into my local Barnes and Noble and there was a huge sale table with cards and calendars on the table.  I decided to look through and I was excited when I found a box of the cards just like the ones I had returned. Well, I had to apply my new life lesson, so I open the box only to discover the card I had written on sitting on top of the sealed envelopes. When I returned the item apparently it was just restocked. I spoke to customer service and explained what had happened and asked that they get rid of the cards. They apologized and assured me this never happens and they will make sure they are labeled damaged and properly disposed of. I learned another important lesson:

Barnes and Noble restocks damaged return items, so check every last thing you buy for damage.

My friends and family got a chuckle out of this story. I posted what had happened to my Facebook account.  Well last week my best friend was shopping in our local Barnes and Noble. She had been with me when I originally bought the cards. Well she is a bargain shopper and she was going through the Christmas cards.  She came across a box of Christmas cards with a bird on the front. She had to look. Sitting on top was the Christmas card I had written and all 21 sealed envelopes.  She took them to customer service. Explained what had happened. OF COURSE THEY WERE HORRIFIED!  They put a sticky on it, wrote damaged and placed it behind the counter, so that it would not be restocked by accident.  She called me. I was perturbed but I learned another important lesson:

My local Barnes and Noble is extremely unorganized and could give a crap about their customers.

Well today I decided to go to my local Barnes and Noble to pick up a couple of books about traveling to London and the UK.  I walked up to get into line to pay and right next to the line is a table with sale items such as calendars and you guessed it, Christmas cards. I look down and there they were…I can spot these cards from 100 feet now, much less on the table right next to the check out counter. I picked them up, took a deep breathe and opened the box of cards.  The card I wrote was not on top! For a moment, I thought wow I am jaded, they had to get rid of those cards by now, maybe they had another box in stock.  I decided to follow the first rule, which was to check the envelopes. Sure enough they were all sealed. Then I decided to follow the second rule, so I counted the cards and sure enough they had thrown out the card I had written on, but put the rest in the box and restocked the item. Which brings me to my third lesson, Barnes and Noble can’t organize their staff or stock.  I went up to the customer service counter, asked for a manager and explained what happened for the fourth time.  I was assured the matter would be handled immediately. I learned another important lesson:

Barnes and Noble lies, lies, lies.

I now have daydreams about finding the cards again in a future visit.  I have thought about carrying a trash can with me and burning them in the middle of the store. I have thought about ripping them into confetti bits and tossing them at customers as they enter. I have thought about taking a Sharpie to the outside of the box.  I have thought about screaming “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”, at the top of my lungs and collapsing to the floor kicking and flailing my arms. In the end, I have concluded I won’t be doing anything that could get me arrested and I WILL NOT be going to my local Barnes and Noble for anything in the near future.

New Jersey Gripe #100:

Is it asking too much to put up road signs? Is it asking too much to put up signs that people can read?

Case in Point:

This evening my husband and I were attempting to get to Sayreville, NJ.  Google maps gave us perfect directions that should have worked, however this is NJ. The first problem is that apparently the sign that would tell you to turn right to get onto Route 9 gets hit so often, they don’t bother to put it back up anymore.  The only way to know to go right is to be born in Sayreville and  have lived in the area your entire life. Screw the rest of us trying to get around. The second problem is what my husband and I call White Street.  The signs have been posted for so long, that they have weathered until all you see is a white road sign. You can’t read the street name.  We call this White Street. Whenever we give directions to get to our house, we include White Street. You will go up 36, passing three White Streets and at the fourth, you take the jug handle.  Forget explaining what a jug handle is to anyone who is not from NJ. Everyone from out of town wants to know why the state doesn’t trust it’s citizens to turn left at lights or pump their own gas.

The husband took this as an opportunity to point out the new car he wants has GPS.

I don’t think this was what Vince Shilomi had in mind during his infomercial for ShamWow! Today was our friend Scott’s birthday and as a gift, our friends bought ShamWows and made them into pants. Just imagine all the creative uses for pants such as these. No matter how many times I requested it, he would not pour a pitcher of water down his pants. To beat this,  I need to somehow get Billy Mays’ autograph for my husband’s birthday. I wonder if he has a fan club?

“If a double decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die and if a 10 ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side well the pleasure and privilege is mine.”

You might recognize these as the lyrics from The Smith’s song “There is a light that never goes out“.  My husband finds this song to be very romantic. I see it as reason to never let him drive us anywhere.

I noticed today that you have put a contract on the townhouse two doors down. I can only surmise that you are a poor misguided fool purchasing their first home.   We decided to rent while living in NJ because of the high cost of real estate and the taxes.  I know you are congratulating yourself on buying a newly restored town home in a cute neighborhood, but let me tell  you why that townhouse was on the market for over a year. You just spent $300k on a town home. Your tax bill for the coming year will be about $6700.   This town has the highest taxes in the county but offers the least in return services to residents.  Our mutual neighbor is just delightful.  He is a pothead trying to recapture his youth. This usually occurs  at 1am while he plays Stairway to Heaven on his electric guitar with the state of the art amp.  His bedroom has a revolving door and I warn you, he likes screamers.  At 7am he LOVES to rev his motorcycle engine so that we all know he is leaving for the day.  Also, I don’t recommend putting potted plants on your front walkway because they become ashtrays for the 25 close and personal friends that come in and out at all hours.  The owners did a nice job of fixing up your place. I hope that your inspection reveals what is really going on with our building. If it rains, say goodbye to the power, the cable, and phone service.  I am sure no one has mentioned that the roof on our building welcomes water in and most of the units have mold or water damage.  You might also want to take a look up the hill behind our building. Those houses at the top of the cliff….they are actually sliding down the hill. It is not uncommon for small landslides after a heavy rain.  There are usually work crews at the top of the hill and I am sure they would yell out a warning before someones deck flies into your kitchen window.  We are close to the high speed ferry, which is a plus. As long as you don’t need to get out of your driveway between 6 and 7:30am or 5:30 and 7:30 pm.  Yeah, those people going to and from the ferry will not let you back out.  This is NJ. They will blow their horn and flick you off. I recommend getting use to that. The Cuban restaurant across the street has pretty good food and music.  It really gets going during the summer with live music and the bar.  They usually turn down the music around 11pm but the bar closes around 2am.  Keep the hose connected out front because their patrons sometimes can’t hold their liquor while walking to their cars. That cute park at the end of the street, it has the best farmer’s market on Saturday.  It is just unfortunate about all the drug dealers who hangout there the rest of the time.   The town had to hire a K9 unit this past fall to keep up with the complaints.  I hope if you learn anything from this experience it is to NEVER buy a house without talking to the neighbors and if you are buying a townhouse, always talk to the people who live on the other side of your immediate neighbors!

Welcome to the neighborhood!

Tax season leaves me feeling as though I ate 100 Cadbury Creme Eggs in one sitting.  I recall with fondness the days when I could fill out a 1040 EZ form because I made jack squat as a college student/part-time jill of all trades.  Since marrying my husband and actually owning something other than my 1994 Ford Aspire, we now rely on our accountant Mickey.  While I am glad to have Mickey in our lives, I really wish the United States would do something about our tax code. It is ridonkulous that the IRS doesn’t always understand the codes they are charged to enforce.  Please take a moment to read about the Fair Tax concept and if you agree, please sign the petition in the far right sidebar!

TMZ released the above photo which is supposedly Rihanna after Chris Brown attacked her. I am not sure of the validity of the image but you can click on the photo to read more from TMZ.  There is no excuse for physical violence. I am trying really hard not to wish a good old butt kicking for Chris Brown. So I will wish for the next best thing…I hope his career dries up faster than Texas in August. I hope that all women see this and realize that no one deserves to be a human punching bag. Please get help.

Update: You can now visit her website to give donations. (www.thenadyasulemanfamily.com)

Holy Shit….that was my first thought when I read about the woman in California who just gave birth to octuplets.  We have been going through fertility treatment and this story was more than a little unsettling.  Everyone jokes around about the litter we could have and  I can’t imagine us caring for eight newborns.  Every decision we have made about fertility treatment has been done with the intent of not having multiple births.  News of the octuplets is followed by the fact that she has six other children at home.  All were conceived through IVF.  I was flabbergasted to learn that she is a single mother who depends on her parents to support and care for her children.  Today I read that she does receive food stamps and three of her children receive  payments from the federal government due to their disabilities. But she has the money to go through expensive IVF procedures? I have to question this woman’s sanity. You have six children, three with disabilities, and you think it is a good idea to go through another IVF cycle? She claims she did not think it would work.  Then why do it? Clearly IVF has worked for you in the past if you have six kids.   I have read that there are those that believe  it is her right to have as many children as she wants.  I understand her not being able to go through with selective reduction, which is essentially terminating a few of the pregnancies to increase the odds of  carrying full term healthy babies.   I do however question her decision to get pregnant when she was already having problems caring for her existing family.   She is a student.  I can recall my college years and I can’t imagine doing that with six children.  When you go through fertility treatment there is a deliberateness about everything you do.  There are no whoopsies.  You can stop everything up until that last moment.  Not many people have that luxury when conception occurs.  While I am laying on a table waiting for the procedure to start all I can think about is giving a child a good life.  According to her all she could think about is wanting more children.  I am less concerned about Ms. Suleman’s rights as I am for those children whose single, unemployeed mother decided to expand the family to  fourteen children.  She does not have a job. She is currently living off of student loans and her parents according to her own statements. My mother was a single mom with my two sisters and me.  She worked two jobs and we did not see her a lot. There were times when we barely got by. My sisters and their husbands have three children each. I watch them work hard to meet the needs of their children and to afford life’s necessities.  You can say that all children need is love and I say bull crap.  These eight babies are going to need medical care and  assistance for years to come. These children are likely to have physical disabilities, chronic health problems, and lets not forget the developmental delays and learning disabilities they will have to overcome.  Then think about feeding, clothing, housing, and trying to meet the emotional needs of all fourteen children.   Not many people can finance the needs of that many kids. The last time I checked Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are not adopting.  There is always Angelina and Brad, but I don’t think they are into domestic adoption. It sounds as though her mother and father are tired of caring for her and the children, which means it won’t be long before welfare plays a larger role in her life.  This means that you and I will be supporting her right to have fourteen children.  If you are okay with this, then why should she stop having children? Oh by the way, it is going to cost upwards of 3 million to fund the babies’ care while in the hospital. Ms. Suleman thinks she is being vilified because of her single mother status. I think she is being vilified because given the economy and her own poor finances she paid for an expensive treatment to conceive a child.  While people across our nation are sacrificing and going without, she decided to have children that we as taxpayers will have to support.  She will not be held accountable.    Her shortsighted thinking is a symptom of our social problems.  We want everything now and expect to not be held responsible for the consequences of our actions. Someone else will take care of that.

I was watching Dateline last night and I saw the story of David Goldman and his fight to regain custody of his son Sean.  His wife kidnapped Sean and returned to her family in Brazil.  He has spent the last four years trying to see his son and to regain custody. Brazil and the United States recognizes the Hague Treaty which makes it illegal for parents to kidnap children across borders. Brazilian courts have treated this as a simple custody case whereby the mother retains custody after a divorce. She filed for divorce in the Brazil court system. The Brazilian courts continue to keep Sean and his father apart even though his mother has since passed away. The courts have awarded custody to Sean’s stepfather versus following the Hague Treaty and international law. I am livid that our government is not doing more to pressure the Brazilian government to return this child. Please visit David’s site for more information:

www.bringseanhome.org

Please take the time to look at Mr. Goldman’s site : www.bringseanhome.org.

We received our American Express statement in the mail today. AMEX has a cool rewards program.  We use the card to earn points toward those rewards. Pete noticed that our APR had gone from 9.9% to a whopping 12.9%. We pay the balance on the card in full each month. We have never been late on a payment in the 7 year history of the account. We have no credit card debt and our credit scores are in the 800 range.  Pete called the company and was transferred to a supervisor who said that nothing could be done. We wrote this letter to the company via their email system:

Dear American Express,

It has come to our attention that our APR was increased to 12.99%. We called and were told that due to hard financial times nothing could be done to lower our rate. I think this is a false statement. We have excellent credit and currently have two other credit cards with 7.9 and 9.9% APR. Until our rate is lowered to be on par with these rates, we will not be using our American Express credit card in the future. The balance will be paid in full at the end of this month. I never thought I would prefer Bank of America to American Express.

So basically this company has made such poor business decisions that it’s stock value has fallen 66% in the last year and they can now afford to abandon loyal customers. Bank of America lowered our APR to 7.9%, so we will be using them in the future. I just purchased slipcovers for the couch using the AMEX. I can’t wait for the purchase to hit the account so I can pay the card off and toss it in the safe.

Please keep an eye on your credit card rates! We missed their notice for increasing the rate. It was buried on page 7 of our November bill.   Our statement is one page usually, and then the remaining 7 pages are ads for AMEX partners.  I feel dumb for not looking through all the pages and this could have been addressed sooner. We are lucky that we don’t have a balance. I know these rate changes are going to have a huge impact on people who carry a balance.

photo by: Joshua Lott

Pete and I opened our Washington Mutual account two years ago when we relocated from Austin to NJ.  We needed a local checking account because no one in NJ seemed to want to accept an out of state check.  We selected WAMU because they offered free checking and they had a number of local branches.  We immediately had a couple problems with the bank. They insisted that a certified cashier’s check had to be held for 12 days to clear (this was after they told us 7 days maximum for any check to clear when we signed up for the account) and then they charged us for some membership service that we had not signed up for. Then it took two weeks for a wire transfer to be applied to our account.   After having the account for one month, I was ready to close it.  At this point we had already setup direct deposit and our own laziness kept us from looking around.  Fast forward to this month: You may have noticed that Washington Mutual has been in the news lately. Standard and Poor’s lowered their credit ranking of Washington Mutual to junk.  Apparently federal regulators are asking around to see if other banks will purchase WAMU. Pete and I decided today that we needed to open a new local checking account. I know that the money is insured and we have other accounts, but it would p*** me off if this bank failed and I had to wait to access the funds until the federal government cleared up their mess. I read a report today that Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) is underfunded and if WAMU was to fail the FDIC would need a loan from the US Treasury.  Pete did some research and found a financially sound bank right down the street from our house. We are going in the morning to open the account.  I am disgusted with the fact that taxpayers are being hit up to bail out banks and other private companies and I for one don’t feel comfortable that our politicians know how to address the problems. Political interference in the market appears to be part of what created the sub-prime crisis. What do you think is the solution? What changes would you like to see? Is bigger government the answer?

You know that commercial with the little girl who keeps saying she doesn’t like chicken or broccoli. Well I don’t like taking hormones. We started the fertility process a bit sooner than I was planning and at this point, I am starting to understand the flood of American women who are going to India to hire surrogates. I have to watch everything and record everything. My diet, my medications, my temperature, and my moods. I just feel like at the moment I am perpetual bitch mode. I just want to sit in the dark and not talk to a living soul. I feel so sorry for my husband. He did not marry this crazed lunatic. I also feel a little out of place because while having a child would be a blessing, I just seem lazy compared to other women going through this process. I have been getting tons of advice through the support groups and fertility networks, but I don’t think having a child will define me as much as being an amazing addition to our great family. I am not going to be depressed for the rest of my life if this does not happen. I am 100% committed to the process but do I have to become obsessive about this?

I also have to say that my fellow air travelers are not operating their life rafts with both oars in the water. If you are traveling cover up! Ladies, no one should be able to tell your waxing technique. I swear I saw a woman whose skirt covered nothing when she sat down. As you go up in altitude, it will get colder. Shorts, tank tops, and flip flops will not keep you warm. So many people dressed this way on my flight that they turned on the heat to accommodate them. I say let their butts freeze! I am amazed at the number of people who still recline their seats. Anyone who thinks it is cool to recline your seat deserves to have knees shoved into the back of their seat as they rest and the occasional drink dropped on their head. I was imagining the fun you could have writing on their foreheads with a sharpie.

I do say kudos to the mom who came on board with her three kids. She had mp3 players, video games, books, snacks, drinks, and was very firm about her expectations for their behavior. I have never sat next to such well behaved kids on a flight before!

photo by: ilmungo

The inside of my vehicle needed to be vacuumed and wiped down badly. This afternoon I took it to a car wash that had vacuums and cleaned out the inside. My friend Nicole told me not to wash my car because it is suppose to rain for the next few days. This made me remember that I also needed new windshield wipers for the front and back of my vehicle. I figured it would be best to go pick some up on my way home. I stopped off at a local auto parts store and

went in to get the wipers. I am not the most mechanically inclined person but just because I have breasts does not mean I can’t determine what kind of wipers I need. I pulled out my vehicle manual, wrote down the information I would need and then went into the store. I walked straight over to the wipers. I had three men walk up to me at the same time and ask what I needed. I said, “I am here to buy windshield wipers. I need….”, before I could finish, they cut me off pulled out a manual and speaking to my breasts, said, “Well, we need to know the make/model/year of your car. That means the year it was made and the name of the company that built your car and the name of the car. Most cars have it written on the back of the car if you don’t know.” So I made a pointed effort to look at the guy’s crotch and speaking slowly to his penis I said, “Your owner thinks I am an idiot.” I turned around, walked out and went to Auto Zone. They were happy to help me and not treat me like giant non-thinking mammary glands.

I can’t say wrought iron. My husband always giggles when I say those words. He will point it out and ask how do you say this? Part of the problem is that the combination of those two words makes my southern accent very noticeable. The words are drawn way out. When I speak slowly, my accent creeps into the conversation. When I am talk without my accent, I tend to talk too fast. Over the last ten years I have come to accept that I have an accent and that is okay. I would rather have an accent than speak at the sound of light, thus making sure I was never understood. My fear of sounding like an uneducated hick (This is what I was called.) can be completely blamed on the WITCH. We moved north right before the 5th grade. The WITCH was my 5th grade English teacher, who apparently felt it was her duty to get rid of my southern accent. I think she was disappointed that I didn’t wear petticoats or refer to the Civil War as the War of Northern Aggression. I was tempted to call her a carpetbagger and a few other choice names. That woman made my life hell for one whole year. I learned to talk at the same speed my mind was working and that made my accent less noticeable. Less accent meant the WITCH stayed off my back. The words I have never been able to get right are wrought iron. I can’t say these words fast and when I say it slowly I sound like the offspring of married first cousins. I have practiced the words and I just think I have a mental block that prevents me from pronouncing them properly. My mom can’t say Vietnamese or aluminum, so she never talks about Vietnam and she calls aluminum foil, Reynold’s wrap. Do you have a word that you just can’t ever get right?

“Who is Michael?”

I ignore the question and try to follow the characters interaction.

“Who is he?”

I give the husband my best Can’t you see I am watching television and trying to keep up with what is happening? look. It doesn’t work.

“Who is Michael?”

I hit pause on my TiVo and say, “If you want to know what is happening on LOST, then you are going to have to have to watch it.”

I hit play. He continues to observe. A few minutes go by.

“Why didn’t you just say he was the one with the kid.”

I just shake my head.

Pet Peeve #1:

People who come in during the middle of shows or movies and want a recap while you are trying to keep up with what is happening.

***If you don’t know who Eddie Izzard is, then watch the video below. He is not everyone’s cup of tea but we love his routines!

Note: If you expect validation for the theory of global warming, this may not be the blog entry for you.

I like to drive. I am a good driver who hates bad drivers. You know who you are. You like to drive in the left lane 10 miles under the speed limit. You like to talk on your cell phone, smoke a cigarette, eat a bagel and look at a map. You have 10 people crammed in a car and you are weaving in and out of traffic as you all sing along to the current teen theme. The people that drive me up the wall the most are the Snow Birds. A snow bird is a elderly person who lives in the Northeast but travels to Florida each winter to escape the bad weather in the North. Many of them choose to drive down Interstate 95. If you live anywhere along I95, you comment to friends and family about those crazy old northerners heading down to Florida when you start to notice the NY, NJ, CT, or Florida license plates. Now that I live in NJ, I get a break each year as they meander their way down to Florida. This leaves the roads void of people driving 20 miles under the speed limit, running lights because they can’t see, turning down one way streets in the wrong direction, creating a wall of cars that block the entrances to local stores as they drop off and pick up, and cars weaving all over the place because it has been a decade since they noticed those the painted lines on the road that designate their lane. Global Warming is screwing this up. The last two winters have been very mild and so versus driving to Florida, they are sticking around. This is good for the local economy, but bad for those of us that look forward to the few months they are not on the roads with us. GOD, please send a blizzard.