New Jersey Gripe #100:

Is it asking too much to put up road signs? Is it asking too much to put up signs that people can read?

Case in Point:

This evening my husband and I were attempting to get to Sayreville, NJ.  Google maps gave us perfect directions that should have worked, however this is NJ. The first problem is that apparently the sign that would tell you to turn right to get onto Route 9 gets hit so often, they don’t bother to put it back up anymore.  The only way to know to go right is to be born in Sayreville and  have lived in the area your entire life. Screw the rest of us trying to get around. The second problem is what my husband and I call White Street.  The signs have been posted for so long, that they have weathered until all you see is a white road sign. You can’t read the street name.  We call this White Street. Whenever we give directions to get to our house, we include White Street. You will go up 36, passing three White Streets and at the fourth, you take the jug handle.  Forget explaining what a jug handle is to anyone who is not from NJ. Everyone from out of town wants to know why the state doesn’t trust it’s citizens to turn left at lights or pump their own gas.

The husband took this as an opportunity to point out the new car he wants has GPS.

I don’t think this was what Vince Shilomi had in mind during his infomercial for ShamWow! Today was our friend Scott’s birthday and as a gift, our friends bought ShamWows and made them into pants. Just imagine all the creative uses for pants such as these. No matter how many times I requested it, he would not pour a pitcher of water down his pants. To beat this,  I need to somehow get Billy Mays’ autograph for my husband’s birthday. I wonder if he has a fan club?

photo by: stevenjude

To comment or not to comment?  I found myself second guessing if I should leave comments on blogs for about 15 seconds this afternoon and then decided to blog about my experience instead.   I got a  nasty email to a response I wrote on a blog.  The blogger basically told me my opinion was not welcome and ignorant.   The comment I left was sarcastic because that is part of my nature, but it was clear that I agreed with their point in the article.  This person took time out of their day to write me an email because they did not like the wording of my comment.   I have had writers disagree with my comments, but they publish their replies and I think everyone enjoys reading the back and forth volleys.  I think if you are blogging to simply state your opinion as fact, then do us all a favor and turn off your comments.  I enjoy getting comments and I don’t care if the person agrees with me or finds me offensive.  I think the power of blogging is that it can generate discussion and new ideas.  This blog is a collection of thoughts, experiences, and links to things I find interesting.  I am aware that not everyone will understand my sense of humor or agree with my stance on certain issues. I don’t think this makes them less of a person and I often find that it gives me something to think about.  That being said, at this point in my life, I don’t find my opinions shifting all that much.  I believe in civil liberties for all,  milk chocolate, firm butts, LOL cats, sweet tea, instant replay and  I think it is stupid to wear socks with sandals.  If you disagree with me that is okay!  I respect your right to your opinion and please feel free to share it with me in my comments.  I wrote the blogger back and I apologized for the comment and I promised to never write another on her blog.  She won’t get the sarcasm in that either.

Update: Communication is a fragile thing and written communication allows for a lot of interpretation.  I am not embarrassed to admit I was wrong about this instance.  My fellow blogger did not understand my comment and I did not understand hers.

All of this made me laugh even more when I saw this: Celebrity blogger

“If a double decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die and if a 10 ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side well the pleasure and privilege is mine.”

You might recognize these as the lyrics from The Smith’s song “There is a light that never goes out“.  My husband finds this song to be very romantic. I see it as reason to never let him drive us anywhere.

I noticed today that you have put a contract on the townhouse two doors down. I can only surmise that you are a poor misguided fool purchasing their first home.   We decided to rent while living in NJ because of the high cost of real estate and the taxes.  I know you are congratulating yourself on buying a newly restored town home in a cute neighborhood, but let me tell  you why that townhouse was on the market for over a year. You just spent $300k on a town home. Your tax bill for the coming year will be about $6700.   This town has the highest taxes in the county but offers the least in return services to residents.  Our mutual neighbor is just delightful.  He is a pothead trying to recapture his youth. This usually occurs  at 1am while he plays Stairway to Heaven on his electric guitar with the state of the art amp.  His bedroom has a revolving door and I warn you, he likes screamers.  At 7am he LOVES to rev his motorcycle engine so that we all know he is leaving for the day.  Also, I don’t recommend putting potted plants on your front walkway because they become ashtrays for the 25 close and personal friends that come in and out at all hours.  The owners did a nice job of fixing up your place. I hope that your inspection reveals what is really going on with our building. If it rains, say goodbye to the power, the cable, and phone service.  I am sure no one has mentioned that the roof on our building welcomes water in and most of the units have mold or water damage.  You might also want to take a look up the hill behind our building. Those houses at the top of the cliff….they are actually sliding down the hill. It is not uncommon for small landslides after a heavy rain.  There are usually work crews at the top of the hill and I am sure they would yell out a warning before someones deck flies into your kitchen window.  We are close to the high speed ferry, which is a plus. As long as you don’t need to get out of your driveway between 6 and 7:30am or 5:30 and 7:30 pm.  Yeah, those people going to and from the ferry will not let you back out.  This is NJ. They will blow their horn and flick you off. I recommend getting use to that. The Cuban restaurant across the street has pretty good food and music.  It really gets going during the summer with live music and the bar.  They usually turn down the music around 11pm but the bar closes around 2am.  Keep the hose connected out front because their patrons sometimes can’t hold their liquor while walking to their cars. That cute park at the end of the street, it has the best farmer’s market on Saturday.  It is just unfortunate about all the drug dealers who hangout there the rest of the time.   The town had to hire a K9 unit this past fall to keep up with the complaints.  I hope if you learn anything from this experience it is to NEVER buy a house without talking to the neighbors and if you are buying a townhouse, always talk to the people who live on the other side of your immediate neighbors!

Welcome to the neighborhood!

I read Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk this week and I watched the movie Fight Club directed by David Fincher this evening for the fourth time.  I have come to the following conclusions:

1. Edward Norton is hot and this was the first movie with Brad Pitt where I actually respected his performance.

2. I want a second personality. Preferably one that likes to exercise, who can manage crazy family members and who enjoys putting away laundry and dishes.

3. I want a friend who dresses only in second hand prom formals and bridesmaids dresses.  That is a person who does not give a shit what other people think.

4. I don’t get why Brad Pitt was wearing dish washing gloves in that sex scene and I don’t really ever need to understand that.

5. If I see someone with a black eye or a hole in their cheek,  I am going to ask how they got it. I am nosy as hell.

6. I feel sorry for any man who has bitch tits.

7. I will never eat a cream based soup that is not made by me or by a relative that likes me.

8. I saw bubbles in the brook behind my house, so now I have drawn the conclusion that bodies must be buried nearby.

9. I now want to know where the ingredients for my soap comes from.

10. I wonder if people getting liposuction ever wonder what happens to their fat.   The thought of my ass fat sitting in a landfill just bothers me for some reason.

11. You have to be true to yourself. You can buy everything you see and try to conform to society’s image of a successful person but if you are not being yourself… if you are not doing things that matter to you… then you will never be happy.  Happiness is what is makes life worth the journey.

I don’t know if you have ever watched Real Housewives on Bravo but it is like watching a Discovery channel documentary that Gucci threw up all over.  I don’t have cable television but when I travel or visit friends and family, I love to channel surf and I have spent some late nights shell shocked at the behavior of the women on these shows.  I have said the only way the show could become even more sensationalized would be to host it in NJ or a trailer park.  I have nothing against trailer parks, but there is more gossip and hen fighting in a trailer park than a college sorority.  I moved to NJ two years ago and there are some tough cookies around here.  After going to a playground with my friend and her son, I knew NJ was a whole new world. Mom’s decked out in heels, designer jeans, Channel sunglasses, perfectly coiffed hair and makeup, pushing around Hummer strollers as they barked Brooklynese into bedazzled cellphones. Well today I see that either someone was ease-dropping on my conversation or the Big G has a wonderful sense of humor because the Real Housewives of New Jersey is coming to a television screen near you!

Dear Hubbie…Love of My Life,

I accidently left the stove on after cooking dinner last night. According to my calculations, I wasted about four hours of gas. I just wanted to let you know that in my efforts to save money and to make up for this mistake, I have decided the best thing is to not cook for the rest of the week. There is no need to thank me.  We will have plenty of time for that, since I won’t be cooking. I am just doing my part.

Love,

Your wife

Have you ever thought about how much money you have put into a relationship? It has been 9 years since I was in a dating relationship, but I don’t recall ever keeping track of how much it cost.  Apparently the guy that Elizabeth dated kept a running tab. Check out The Relationship Bill.

I came across this site and after scrolling through their growing list, I was laughing and nodding my head. I think we all know some of the following:

#99- Uncontrollable Chain Mail Forwarder

#91- Overly Self-Righteous Vegan

#82 -Two Spot Parker

#80 – Tandem Sidewalk Tourists

#78 – Mr. Doesn’t Refill The Ice Tray

#63- Office Food Thief

The site is worth a moment or two of your time!

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. In the last week Pete and I have been inundated with catalogs and postcard reminders from FTD, Sherri’s Berries, Hallmark, and Zales to name a few. Pete is direct, so he told me to tell him exactly what I wanted.  Apparently Valentine’s Day has gotten too vague. There are just too many options and according to my husband this is a trap for men.  If he fails, it will set the tone for the entire year. Every year at this time you start to hear about the male holiday… Steak and a BJ day. This is a little crass but I there is a valid point buried in the sub context. Men have created  a day and the only interpretation needed is to decide what cut of steak he may want. This got me thinking to alternative names for Valentine’s Day that I would like such as:

Ben & Jerries and a Chick Flick Day

Change My Oil and Cuddle Day

Take out the Trash without me asking and a Foot  Rub Day

Love Note and a Cupcake Day

What would you call your Valentine’s Day?

I found this via Kottke.org. I just died laughing. It is not what you expect, so watch it until the end!

My last Science Fair project was on color and perspective. It was really exciting stuff and I know my research touched millions. I was Stumbling on the web and I came across this gem, 41 Hilarious Science Fair Experiments. You have to take a look.

I found this via a link on Fimoculous. This reminds me of the conversations my girlfriends and I would have while drinking too much alcohol and eating spaghetti on Thursday nights while in college. I like their perspectives and my only gripe is that they use the word “like” a bit too much. Otherwise this is a fun watch! Check out the I’m Just Sayin’ Show.

This just cracked me up. If you have not watched all the Star Wars movies you need to watch them just to increase your cultural IQ.

photo by: beedubz

Q: What do you call a New Jersey IQ test?

A: A parking lot.

I swear by all that is holy that people in NJ are not capable of getting in and out of a parking lot.  They ignore stop signs, turn signals, and reverse lights. About they only thing they do seem to notice is someone leaning out their window flicking you the bird and screaming at the top of their lungs. I won’t go into the road rage these lovely moments create. I can’t go to CVS or Target out of fear of dying in the parking lot. I have images of my dead body surrounded by loose tampons, prescription medication, and cat food.  I now realize that all the old people who park in front of the door must be the smartest New Jersians because they have survived to become senior citizens.

photo by: respres

My friend Nicole took her 4 year old son James with her to vote yesterday. Upon arriving at the registration table, a volunteer asked Nicole for her name. Thinking that the volunteer was talking to him, James proudly recited his full name. The volunteer explained that he needed his mom’s name because she was the registered voter. James wanted to know why his name wasn’t on the list and the volunteer explained that he was too young to vote. James promptly broke into tears and told the man, “But I’m an American!”  I honestly think James would be a more informed voter than most adults. He is amazing!